The following post is meant to be taken as satire. I understand that in these super sensitive touchy emotional times of America, I need to make that crystal clear. If you happen to be among the growing number of my fellow Americans who gets very sensitive about topics, don’t read this post it will piss you off! But if you do choose to read it ignoring my warning, please don’t leave me any negative comments; I don’t care.
P.S. If you happen to be one of those mom shaming mom’s or non-mom’s (though how do you mom shame if you aren’t actually a mom), please refer to the first warning about this post.
P.S.S. If you’re a fellow mother who is not yet the parent of a teenager who’s hormones and emotions are raging out of control, don’t read this, it will scare you!
“Boy I said let’s go and I’m not gonna to say it again! I’ll be in the car”.
As I sit in my car waiting for the boy for what seems like hours but in actuality it was five minutes, I can’t help but wonder when did he turn from my sweet baby boy to this teenage monster complete with teeth sucking, slow answers and dare I say it, sighs! When did the kisses on my hand, sweet hugs and a minute by minute school day report go to no kisses, no hugs and barley any talk, about anything? Over the years this other person has emerged and I don’t like him; yeah I said it, I DON’T LIKE HIM! He’s selfish, argumentative, down right lazy and demanding, very demanding and had I know all of this before hand, I would’ve certainly thought twice about making the decision to take him home.
But how was I supposed know. You get ZERO time to figure out the personality of this person you just pushed out of your who-ha. There’s no “Carfax” report so to speak so you can get a general idea of what you’re going to be dealing with for the next 18 years, you’re expected to just love them on sight and you do! You remember what those first moments of life were like; the doctor announcing if it’s a boy or girl (but let’s be honest, you already know because you threw an elaborate gender reveal party), placing your little bundle of joy in your arms and despite them being a goopy mess in that instant your eyes locked and the pain of childbirth made sense; the pain is not forgotten as the doctor is still down there messing around, but it makes sense. From that second on the unwavering devotion to this tiny stranger begins. You feed them around the clock, carter to their every cry and rock them to sleep. You think this person; still unknown to you by the way, is the best thing since sliced bread and you’ll tell anyone who will listen, hell you would tell them even if they won’t! Your entire life begins to rotate around this stranger and life, despite those sleepless nights, sore boobs and endless smelly diapers could not get any better.
As that sweet faced tiny human starts to get older though, you start to see tiny glimpses of, if I may be so frank, an asshole. You push these glimpses out of your mind because you love them so much and take the extra step to teach them morals and values in a effort to curb these sparks of asshole-ness and for a time they work. From time to time the monster starts to rear it’s ugly head but you are there to quickly knock it out of them, but at around age eleven it gets harder to calm the beast that is raging inside. None of your old tricks are working and the advice of others are coming up short.
By time they hit age twelve you’re in full fledge panic mode! The monster has taken a hold of your once sweet child and you have no clue day to day what you’ll be meet with. Some days things are okay and you see glimpses of the person you grew to love but on others you are living with a rageaholic, complete with slamming doors, “mom go away” and mumbles under their breath. You try your best to reason with them but it’s to no avail. Where you once had the answers for EVERYTHING, you now are the stupidest person on the planet and they aren’t shy about letting you know that; be clear not out right shy because they don’t have a death wish! Those damn parenting books never prepared you for this (and by the way I want a refund), not even a doctor or nurse in the hospital warned you this would be coming, they just made it seem like everything would be perfect with your little bundle of stranger. Hell not even your own mother gave you the heads up; though they seems to get joy from your ten phone calls per day complaining about it…at least mine does.
As I sat in my car taking stock of my current situation and still waiting for my son (inset eye roll emoji), I thought there has to be something I can do to fix this. There are plenty of pills you can take to prevent pregnancy, get rid of an unwanted one but nothing you can take once they get here and things don’t go as planned.
And Plan C was born!
See I don’t feel it’s fair I had to make this snap decision to keep him immediately after his birth. I don’t know this person. Their likes, dislikes or if they will grow up to be a major asshole. I’m not made to make a snap decision about buying a car; despite the best efforts of that pushy car salesman. I get to sleep on it, check to see if my budget will allow it, explore other options! Now I’m not comparing my kid to a car but can I? There has to be an option I can use year’s down the line once I really get to know who this person is. A contingency plan if you will in the event my kid doesn’t turn out the way I imagined it in my mind. Since you HAVE to take them from the hospital knowing nothing about the human you pushed out your who-ha, I think it’s only fair mothers have a backup plan if and when things go horribly wrong!
That is where Plan C comes in!
Plan C is the pill you take once the image of what parenting your kids is like explodes; this happens right around age 13 and takes them to some far away annoying teen land until they get it together. You’re no longer responsible for them, this will now become their job since they know so damn much and you get to collect them once they throw in the towel of having to run a household, pay bills and deal with a job they can’t stand but need the money so they suck it up.
Plan C will make the grateful, a bit more responsible and eliminate all of those teen asshole traits; eye rolls, door slamming and mumbles under their breath. It will give them a crash course in being a parent, realize this shit is hard and come back with a new attitude! After taking Plan C they will realize you DO know everything and will never question your judgment again! Plan C will give you back the sweet child you once knew but more mature and pleasant to be around. It will be like that first moment of love you felt when they were born minus all the crying and endless diaper changes.
If you think you will benefit form Plan C, no need to consult a doctor, just take it and see how much better you feel!
Please Note: The makers of Plan C can’t guarantee results and may vary from teen. Plan C had not yet been evaluated by the FDA and honestly never will. If while on Plan C your teen makes frantic promises of behaving and comes back with the same behavior, you may need to give them an extra dose, but don’t over do it. Know side effects are…well I’m not quite sure but I’m willing to offer my teen as a sacrifice and get back to you.